Alone Again
by Eponine3
Summary: Eponine's thoughts before returning to the barricade.


Alone Again  
  
Author's Note: I'm sure this has been done before by someone who did it better, but I =had= to do this. It was screaming to get out. Anything in =blah= is italicized. Anything in ^blah^ is thoughts. Anything in ~blah~ are song lyrics.  
  
~And now I'm all alone again,  
  
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.  
  
Without a home, without a friend,  
  
Without a face to say hello to.  
  
And now the night is near.  
  
Now I can make believe he's here.~  
  
The sky to the west is darkening slowly. The last of the birdsong drifts away, sweet strains hanging in the air. People are hurrying off the streets, some home to a warm house, some to woe-begotten alleyway, and some to their wretched posts to await the night's customers. Lights begin to flicker in the buildings around me. The streets grow near silent. The bitter-cold wind whips around me, but I do not draw my ragged coat tighter around myself. I am busy remembering his face as I last saw it. His golden hair tumbled around his face, framing it perfectly. His blue eyes fairly glowed with excitement. I try to push the artistry of his face out of my mind and focus on other things. I don't know why I saved Cosette the other night. There's the obvious reason, that Marius would assume I was in on the heist, but... I did it for her, too. I don't know why. I =hate= her with a vengeance. I hated her since she used to wake me in the night as a child with her pitiful half-sobs. And I hate her now, for stealing away my love's heart. But I saved her. And for that, I have no home. All I have is a face in my head, the face of an angel that, no matter how hard I try, I cannot rid myself of.  
  
~Sometimes I walk alone at night, when everybody else is sleeping.  
  
I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping.  
  
The city goes to bed  
  
And I can live inside my head.~  
  
Now the world around me is dark, lit only by half-hearted flames dancing in the lamplights on the street corners. I walk along the river. The lapping of the waves against the shore comforts me. I think of him.  
  
~On my own  
  
Pretending he's beside me.  
  
All alone,  
  
I walk with him 'till morning.  
  
Without him,  
  
I feel his arms around me.  
  
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes,  
  
And he has found me.~  
  
I stop and look out at the waters. Moonlight plays across the swells. I shut my eyes and he is there, burning against my closed eyelids. I wrap my arms around myself and feel him there instead. I have done this before, stood on the fringes of the Seine and dreamed of Marius. But never have I done so with such internal conflict. I have always known where to go, where to run to, hide in, when I am threatened. This feeling of helplessness is new to me. I don't know is I like it.  
  
~In the rain,  
  
The pavement shines like silver.  
  
All the lights  
  
Are misty in the river.  
  
In the darkness,  
  
The trees are full of starlight.  
  
And all I see is him and me,  
  
Forever and forever.~  
  
Rain begins to fall, making the lighted river dance. The streets glimmer with newfound beauty as the drops decorate them. I look through the seeming-dead trees into the night sky. Stars twinkle through a break in the clouds and I smile to myself. I close my eyes again and there he is, smiling at me, eyes full of hope as he hands me that miserable letter. A tear escapes my closed eyelid.  
  
~And I know  
  
It's only in my mind.  
  
That I'm talking to myself and not to him.  
  
And although  
  
I know that he is blind,  
  
Still I say  
  
There's a way for us!~  
  
^I love you^ I whisper silently to the image in my head. And in my head, he tells me he loves me. He gently brushes back a stray hair from my face and leans in to kiss me--- An old, drunk woman blunders past me, nearly sending me into the river for an icy midnight bath. I want to believe that we could be together, want it so badly I can =taste= it!  
  
~I love him,  
  
But when the night is over,  
  
He is gone.  
  
The river's just a river.  
  
Without him,  
  
The world around me changes.  
  
The trees are bare and everywhere,  
  
Streets are full of strangers.~  
  
The sun is rising. I have spent the night dreaming of Marius. The rain has stopped and the moon no longer casts its mystical glow over the river. I see things in the harsh light of day. The streets are becoming crowded and noisy once again. I cannot stay her much longer. I must make my choice.  
  
~I love him,  
  
But every day I'm learning  
  
All my life,  
  
I've only been pretending.  
  
Without me,  
  
His world will go on turning.  
  
The world is full of happiness that I have never known!~  
  
The night-turned-day's second lonely tear courses its way down my cheek. This is my punishment. Cosette paid her due when she was yet a child and now... It's my turn. I must pay the bill in frustrated love. And yet... Even as a child, I did not know happiness. A terrible thought strikes me, one I have been banishing since the night began. Without me, Marius would be happy. He would not notice my death.  
  
~I love him.  
  
I love him.  
  
I love him.  
  
But only on my own.~  
  
I turn from the river toward the barricade. I know what I must do.  
  
An extravagantly dressed woman talks to another from the corner of an alley.  
  
"Been there all night."  
  
"Whore? She one of Antoine's?"  
  
"Doesn't act like one. She was just there, starin' out at the water, like she was lookin' for answers."  
  
"Lord knows we need 'em."  
  
The women look at the young woman disappear into the crowd. She turned and looked at the river one last time. The look in her eyes was one of despair, loneliness... and absolute, pure love. She turned and was gone.  
  
~Only on my own...~ 


End file.
